Fat Life

 Hi it's been like forever since i posted here. i haven't really been visiting this site much. i guess when i needed the support i used it. but also i found another site i've been spending most of my time at for wls. if you want to see my profile, which i update alot over there, it is: http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/only1nik/

i just found out i have celiac disease so if there is anyone who knows someone w/ it, let me know. the more i know the better.

talk to you later gators.

Lots of things have changed since August of last year. My husband and I are doing so so so much better. I'm actually happy now. I still have alot of health issues to deal with. Like right now, I am want to go to sleep so bad. But I'm going to keep pushing on and talk to my PCP about it next time I talk to her. 

I have been approved for surgery (RNY) February 12th I go under the knife. I can't wait. I've been working hard preparing for that day and am hopeful things will work out. I have been 9 days eating healthy and am extremely proud of myself. I also may have Celiac Disease which is an intolerance to gluten, which is in wheat and barley. I should know by tomorrow the results of the blood test. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I would like to know what is wrong so I can then fix it. 

so that is it for me. I hope everyone is having a great day.

Last time I wrote, I was feeling lots of negative feelings toward my hubby. My insecurity about myself has made being in this commitment very hard for me. We are doing well right now. We even had sex twice in one week, which hasn't been happening since he got back in march. And I can tell he's enjoying himself more, too. So that makes me feel better about myself. I love him so much it hurts sometimes. I'm at work right now and I just wish I could be home so I could snuggle w/ him. Or maybe just sleep! I am so tired. I am not eating healthy food so I am very sluggish. It's so hard to stop. I hope one day I will be able to. I don't feel like working. That has been going on forever. Not wanting to be here. wishing I could stop working even for a little bit so i can catch my breath. but my hubby isn't allowed to work yet, still waiting for his work permit, so money is tight. Thank god I have a good paying job. We live comfortably and I hope one day to be able to work part time. That would be so cool. oh fantasy!!! well i gotta go. 

Nicole

it's been awhile since i posted. I don't know why. right now my stomach is hurting so bad cuz i am not eating well. and i'm having anxiety and i hate my husband. i have such rage toward him i don't know what to do. i know most of it is manufactured by my mind, otherwise i would kick him out. but ultimately, my demons have come out to play and they play to win. weight watchers and a week of low carb dieting derailed me and the demons feasted on the carcass of my attempt to get better. i wish i was an enlightened buddha. that way i wouldn't feel so much anger rage and attachment. because i don't think i'm worthy i think my husband is doing all these bad things cuz he has female friends he swears up and down are just friends. i have no proof otherwise that they aren't and there is no way for me to know unless i do something that i think it wrong and completely sneak on him, computer, phone calls. i could do that. but i know it's just a function of my demons and not really me. the real me would just say fuck it. go on w/ my life, enjoy his company when we are together and not be so fucking needy all the time. i had his cell phone yesterday and i called a number that was named towson, which is not a woman's name. but a woman answered and i said sorry wrong number. then she must have told him about it. stupid bitch. why can't he stop talking to all these women. i want to imprison him so i can guarantee he isn't going to cheat on me or leave me or hurt me. i feel so hopeless and i have no control. and he is resentful of me and thinks all kinds of negative things about me cuz i haven't been able to control my rages and fears. i want them to leave. i will never know if i should be with him until my head is clear. i feel like i have been taken over by the devil. i wish there was an exorcism that could be performed so i can be at peace and not hate so much. not fear so much. not hurt so much. i know what i have to do but i'm pissed that it doesn't just happen without effort on my part. i have to take care of myself. i have to stop hating myself and feel better about myself. until i do that, this hate will lead to a breakup of my marriage. i know that for a fact. either by me cuz i can't stand the pain anymore or from him cuz i've done something that went too far.

i went to ww on friday and gained two pounds after resisting my desire for pasta. so i got very depressed and started eating carbs again. i am still doing it as we speak but i am realizing it was probably water weight so i am going to get back on the diet tomorrow lol. life is stupid sometimes. oh well.

i was having some major cravings today for pasta. i could smell it and feel it in my mouth. i almost ate some just so the feeling would go away but instead i did wings again. not the best choice but better than pasta. for next weeks lunches, i am going to plan alot better. oh wait, i only work mon and tues. after that, holy crapola. nyc will be hard. but i really want to achieve something instead of always giving up so easily and early on.

Well it's been seven days. yesterday was my hardest day. i ate a bite of muffin and an extra low carb ice cream bar. Other than that, I haven't cheated on my diet. Thank god. Hopefully today will be better. I didn't take my meds yesterday so that might have made things worse. I just want to go to sleep or at least not come to work. thank god today is friday. next week i have three days off from work. so i am very happy bout that. Hurry 4:30, get here.

My company doesn't like me very much. Today I come in and there is tons of this junk food. But wait..... A fruit tray. I took some pineapple and that is it!!! Hurray for me. Let's just hope I don't go back for 2nds. Yesterday I ate oatmeal for breakfast instead of scrambled eggs and I noticed alot more cravings. So today I went back to the eggs. I think that was a good move, considering all the junk food around here. 

I am overwhelmed at home right now. It's messy and I know I have to do something about it but I am still pretty tired once I get home from work. It will take awhile before I actually feel good. I wish I didn't have to work full time. It sucks! I can't wait to change my career. I really hate engineering. I come to work and wish I had a good reason not to come in. Emmanuel is at home today and tomorrow but he usually concentrates on his homework and whatever he's doing for his professor on the side. I wish that he would be our cleaner! Once we both have two incomes, I am going to have someone come and clean once a week. That way, I only have to worry about certain things like cooking and organizing. 

I know life will organize itself eventually. I need to be patient and hopeful. I probably should talk to my hubby about how I'm feeling. maybe we could work something out where he helps out more until I am feeling better. When I wake up tomorrow, it will have been a full week of low carb! Now I am not sure but we are going to new york city for a couple days next week. I will have to be imaginitive while I am there. I'll call the hotel and find out if they have a frig in the room. If so, i'll bring lots of stuff so I can eat there if I have to. We will see.

I wish i was home cleaning my house. I don't want to be here. oh well. 

Hi all, well i finally put my food i mean foot down and decided to make a concerted effort to lose some of my weight. When i went to the bariatric surgeon on the 11th i was 337. I joined weight watchers but really wasn't following it until i was feeling really bad and i could tell my husband was worried. so i said, let me just do a two week low carb to get me started. i can at least commit to that. the first meal was the hardest because i had to really DO it. and i've had moments where eating would make me feel better but so far, i've had no bread, pasta, rice, pancakes, muffins, junk food. I've eaten fruit and a bit of potato but that is all I've done. and i've been enjoying all the fat I can add to my diet doing low carb. I had burgers last night w/ fried onions and peppers. it was so good. No buns of course :) So now I went to weight watchers on monday and i had lost 6.6 lbs since I joined though when i joined, i was 334. so now i'm 328. woooweeee. down 9 lbs total. 

On another note, without the food all kinds of thoughts about my husband keep popping up that are negative. Unless he is fawning over me, I feel unloved. I'm not sure how to feel secure even when he isn't focusing all his attention on me. I guess only time will solve that problem. I did tell him about it and he said he would help me in any way so we could be together. I thought that was really sweet. I do love this man.

I've been having some great things happen with my relationship with my husband. We are really connecting so much better and having alot more sex! I am so grateful for that. I am putting more effort into doing the right thing with my eating and taking care of the house. That is the kinda stuff that turns him on !!! He is definitely different from any other man on this planet, that is for sure. Last night we had really great sex. It was passionate and loving. Just wonderful. And afterwards, I was just laying in his arms, listening to him talk, and i felt such a rush of love come over me. I haven't felt that for him in a very long time. I just wanted to consume him or something! I guess that's cuz I've been eating better. I went on a low carb diet on Friday because I have been feeling so badly. My body doesn't like carbs. And I've actually stuck to it. I'm so happy that I am. I had a productive weekend, cooked and cleaned. He loved the dinner I made him and that made me feel really good about myself. He is just such a special person. I don't know how we ended up together but it happened. I am going to try to make the most of it. 

I love love love love love love love love Emmanuel. So much, beyond words.

It's been a long time since I have had the desire to cook food for myself or my husband. Finally I made some tomato sauce and meatballs, which my husband loves. They turned out really good. I am a good cook and I tend to eat sensibly when I eat the food I cook. Or at least not as bad. I am wondering what my weight will be on friday when i get weighted in at weight watchers. maybe i can pull myself together enough to lose a lb or something. anything is better than nothing. things are still going well with my husband. i love him so much. i'm so greatful we are working through stuff. yesterday i almost didn't go to work cuz my head was pounding and i felt like throwing up. but we talked about it and i decided to go in and at least make an effort. it was hard to do but the right decision. i did go to bed early last night after i was done cooking and i feel pretty tired right now. I am looking forward to getting done work so i can go home and relax. my hubby will be in school so i can be a bum all i want :) i hope that one day i will actually want to do what i am supposed to do instead of waiting for the day to end. i hope that happens soon.

You can feel the breeze rustling them when you walk! I still haven't shaved but I figured that would be funny cuz it's true. Never felt my hair rustle before but there is a first for everything. 

It was an eventful weekend. There were good things and bad things. Good things are: I actually cleaned alot yesterday, which has been hard for me. I sweat so sososososos much. It's quite gross! But I kept doing stuff, just taking lots of breaks to cool down. Also, my hubby initiated sex last night. It's been a couple weeks. I was tired as hell but enjoyed myself with him. He is so fucking sexy. I hope as I get better physically, he will initiate more. Also, when we fight, he doesn't wanna. We actually fought that night but made up so that was good. But more on that in a min. Yesterday I didn't go crazy with food, though I wasn't eating a well balanced diet. 

Bad news is saturday I ordered food (hubby was visiting a friend in philly) and ate alot of bad stuff. Breaded mushrooms, pasta, chocolate mouse cake, white pizza, tons of soda. I just went wild. I have to admit to thoroughly enjoying myself. I hope I will find another way to entertain myself in the near future. 

Worse news is I had a blowout fight with my roomate, this guy who is renting my basement. He is such a piece of shit but I was out of line. Regardless of the what's and why's, it really upset me that I wasn't able to control myself and let him get to me the way he did. he may think he can do and say whatever he wants to get what he wants, but i should hold myself to a higher standard. So I am a bit disappointed with myself and hubby was upset with me as well. But then I said i was sorry to him, cuz i got a bit angry at him too. He appreciated me saying i'm sorry. so i was happy that didn't blow up in my face. but i am going to write the piece of shit roomate a sorry note, so that I can move on from it. I may still think he's worthless but it doesn't mean I can't be bigger than that. 

what an asshole :P

I exercised for the first time in forever today. I am so tired now though! It will take a long time to actually feel good after exercising. But I'm proud of myself. Just wanted to let everyone know.

Hi all, yesterday I was feeling pretty crappy because my husband and I were fighting aka not talking to each other. Last night when I got home from work, i finally grabbed onto him and told him I miss him. He got very emotional too and gave me kisses. After that, we started talking. It took awhile and I was crying most of the time. But I think we got to a better place and I am very hopeful for the future. He showed me how much he loves me and I really did see it and feel it. It was so powerful. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. He is a good man and he wants to help me. I have so much anger in me. I am so resentful because of things that happened to me when I was young. I can't seem to let go and see myself for who I am. The black and white thinking of my eating disorder has caused great pain for both of us. I am just going to keep working on it and will hopefully prevail. 

On a bad note, I ate two donuts, two large reese's cups and 2 cups of choc milk while driving to work this morning. I need to get off this junk. I know how to eat but I keep choosing the wrong things. I still haven't grown up when it comes to food....well most things really. It's funny, when i was a kid, I thought 30 year old people were old and adult and wise. Now that I'm 30, I'm realizing what a sham it all is. There is no age that exists that you wake up one morning and feel like an adult. It's not a right of passage like I thought. You actually have to earn the right to be an adult by actually ACTING like one. Go figure. I am going to weight watchers tonight so hopefully that will get my mind in the right place and I will be motivated to do the right thing. Wish me luck!

I am so sad right now. I miss my husband. I wish we would stop fighting and just be happy. Why can't that be. Why is it so hard. I want to cry all the time because I feel so lonely. I am so bad at this marriage stuff. Maybe I should just be alone. I don't know. I am just in alot of pain and need to get it out. There is no one to talk to right now. I am so lonely. I hope we will come together soon. I really do. It is so hard to love someone but not know how to love. not sure if that makes sense but I am not very good at trusting and being loving all the time in a relationship. I am so insecure that I feel bad alot and express that to him. He is just not ok with it. I wish he was.

On another note, I am going to weight watchers for the first time in forever. For the longest time, I rejected going to such a place because they don't practice low carb eating but I decided to do it even if I only go there for the support and the weekly weigh in. I need to make a concerted effort to get on the ball with my eating. Otherwise, my health will just continue to get worse. I am in a bad state mentally but i know if i was feeling better physically, the mental stuff would work themselves out alot better and easier. i hope that i won't be divorcee but i am willing to leave him if we are not right for each other. Love isn't enough.

I am so depressed right now. I left early from work yesterday, slept 4 hours when I got home and then went to bed at 11 and still had trouble getting up this morning. I am lethargic, and my hip and foot keep hurting. My husband and I aren't speaking to each other, which could last forever, I don't know! I am usually the one to try to resolve things but I am not going to do that this time. I am always trying to keep the fear of losing him at bay by trying to fix everything. The problem is, nothing ever seems to be fixed with us. We just continue to collide with each other. I honestly believe that he thought he was getting one thing but got another. He has even said I have changed since he came back from 10 months in Africa. I don't think I've changed, I think that our living together has allowed him to see what my reality is. All the reasons I hate myself, he is starting to hate me for those same things. My first instinct is to try to fix it. To make him feel less fearful of who I really am. All that brings me is a up and down relationship with him. We are fine until I mess up. Then we are not fine. I make up with him and we are fine again. Then I mess up again. You get the picture. I think we both might have been mistaken to think that he could handle being with someone with my mental and physical problems. It takes alot of understanding and self sacrifice to be with someone with any mental illness. My mom is bi-polar and she has done horrible things to my dad and to me. But today I still love her, talk to her and try to be there for her. I don't hold onto my resentment. But that took alot of therapy to get to. But even when i was in the midst, when she was doing well, I took advantage of those times and enjoyed being with her. I am not saying that a person should have to do that. But she was my mother so for me, that was the only right option. But my husband has a choice and has had a choice from day one. Maybe I wasn't honest enough with him before he left for Africa. I'm not sure. But I know that he is making my depression alot worse. That is just the truth of it. So I am going to give him as much space as he needs, allow him the time to make his own decisions about whether he wants to be with me. I will be his friend as much as I can be but having a full marital relationship doesn't seem to be possible at this point. He is not going to change and I sure as hell haven't been able to. Luckily right now, I am not horny. I will be faithful to him, though. I don't think I would feel right, even if i was given permission by him, to be with someone else. I will just have to invest in lots of batteries :D I am eating lots of sugar so far today. I guess I am going to continue to be in denial for the near future. I hope i find peace soon.

I am feeling so tired the past two weeks. I don't want to get out of bed and when I get home, I just want to slide under the sheets. I am not being very productive! I hope that I will feel better soon. It might just be PMS. And the weather. Oh hell, it's cuz i'm falling apart!

I am feeling better and better about doing the lap band. One lady on this lap band discussion site said that lap band is better for younger people who want to get pregnant. There isn't the problem with malabsorption.

I just finished eating a bagel....and chocolate milk. I guess I should be breaking that habit. Unfortunately, i haven't been feeling well enough to go shopping and my husband hasn't offered to do it so..... i don't have any food to take to work or eat at home that is appropriate. Today I will start doing a food journal. I think that would be beneficial to me.

Honestly right now I am just feeling a bit defeated because things are not going well with my husband. Like I said before, he is a good man. But we don't like each other very much at this point. We clash on almost everything and his nitpicking has really agitated me. I am constantly wondering how we got together. How he decided that I was the right one for him. I don't feel that I truly am. Because of my health, the only right person for me at this point is someone who is extremely understanding, forgiving and accepting. So far, he has not shown to be that. Everything I do is an issue for him. This morning I farted when I was in the kitchen. He was in the living room and said, "Did you just fart?" I just got really mad and said, "Why can't you just leave me alone. Yes I farted. I always have gas and I have to fart. Get over it." So now we are mad at each other. I am mad because of his lack of sensitivity. He is mad because I got mad at him. I wonder when he's going to start to understand me. It's like he refuses to accept my faults. I am just wondering how things will move forward for us. If we will be able to come together or drift apart. I want to be able to come together but at this point, I don't see how. Oh well, what can you do. There will be a day when I will know what to do and I'm just going to wait for that day to arrive.

Peace out.

Hi all, I had a OK weekend. I went to visit my parents, which is always fun. My mom wants me to believe in God again, thinking that just telling me to believe would change my mind. I wonder why believing is such a big deal. When I did believe, my life was no better, happier, more fulfilled. It's because of how horrible I felt that I stopped believing. It just seems odd that so many people are completely convinced there is a God. I just wish they would just leave me alone. I don't try to convince them otherwise. Jeez!

I am going to see a bariatric doctor today to discuss getting lap band surgery. I am excited and nervous about it. I can't wait to find out what goes into it. I am quite low in energy and have been carbing out big time. I know I have to stop but for some reason, I keep eating and eating. I think being married is very stressful for me so i am dealing with it by eating. One more thing i deal with using food. I love my husband so much. He is a good man. But he isn't perfect and for me, perfection is needed to keep me from feeling bad about myself. I am not saying that is right, just telling you how it is. My mental state is always fragile and I am looking to him to tell me that I am OK. Sometimes, he is not happy with me. He gets mad at me for something, just like everyone does, and I feel like I am an ugly horrible person. Stupid but the truth. I put alot of onus on him to make me feel good about myself because I am not able to do it for myself. I wonder how surgery would affect that. I know I will have to get some more counseling for my eating disorder to be approved for surgery. I am looking forward to that. I am hoping it will help me move forward with my life.

I guess I had hoped that once I fell in love, I would heal quicker and change. That is not happening. Lots of things have improved for me but not the most important things. I am still doing the same ole shit. I honestly think that if I don't confront it, don't say anything about it, that my husband won't notice. It worked when we were dating but now that we live together, it is impossible to hide my sloth tendancies. It bothers him very much. I wish that was enough for me to change. But I try to do stuff and start to sweat like I am in a sweat lodge and get so tired. It's like I am constantly on a quarter tank in a big ass hummer! It's hard to explain that to him. It just sounds like an excuse. So he thinks i'm lazy and so do i. But the truth is probably somewhere in between. I know there is so much more to life than what I am living. i know i am wasting my life and missing out on alot of things. knowing that kills me inside. makes me want to bury my head in the sand instead of shoot myself to the stars.

Will I ever be healthy? At 30 years old, I feel quite defeated by my addiction to food. It is more important than anything else in this world. Why?